Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking