My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.