You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
How to properly lift a body
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”