After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!