In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
You Might Also Like
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Um … Hot Wings please
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.