[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
You Might Also Like
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I’m putting together a team
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
the dark web is just a goth google.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.