When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
You Might Also Like
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
how much for the angry fruit?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕