(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
who wants to go expliring
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.