Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-