Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes