Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel