HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Barbie gone wild
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.