What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Ugh but profoundly
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.