so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.