My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.