Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
You Might Also Like
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Friday night party time 🥳
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty