[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Wait a minute
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
rise and shine we got egg
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time