*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.