*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?