Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I know
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Actually cracking up @ this
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*