doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.