“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
HBO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*