Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?