The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday