Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.