This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂