Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.