As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.