Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities