*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
you have three unread messages
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”