Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Leaving the Barbers like
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
There is wisdom there.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.