Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.