[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Had to try this trend 😊
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
#TopTip
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while