“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You Might Also Like
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
i smell a pulitzer