M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Haha! 😂
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
the noise i just made
You wish you had this many chins.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body