It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.