Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…