I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.