9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”