Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Does it…does it take 3 days
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”