I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Mountain Goat : )
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Phonetics
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom