ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!