Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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You say you鈥檙e a stoner?
Name every stone then
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It鈥檚 actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don鈥檛 ride it.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host鈥檚 furniture is too heavy to flip
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
God: you鈥檙e a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren鈥檛 the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
if you didn鈥檛 want me to hide in your closet you shouldn鈥檛 have said you had the hiccups
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it鈥檚 not their fault.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won鈥檛 be taking any further questions on this
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn鈥檛 even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. 拢4.50 for coffee, 拢6 for a piece of cake, 拢9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.