At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
kevin is now a local weatherman
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”