If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
You Might Also Like
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.