My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.