The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry