Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.