Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”