I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies